I was painting this when feeling the worst in the last two years. It happened because life showed me again how insufficient I am, and that after drinking few drops from the goblet of joy, I need to jug an entire sea of bitterness. It has to do with the strength of my emotions: with my borderline syndrome, I feel many times stronger than an average person. So during the couple of days when I had hopes, I was feeling incredibly happy, satisfied and secure. And this emotion was like a drug to me, one single dose was enough to get me addicted. So of course, since it was related to a certain person, I fell in love. For a couple of days, I believed the person would be willing to give me a chance, but I got a friendzone instead. The pain I am feeling now is close to unbearable, sometimes even beyond the threshold. The mixture of sadness, disgust and frustration, together with some self-pitying, made me paint what you see here.
Acrylics on canvas on board, 33×24 cm
So what can you see there? Maybe you are guessing that the main entity with the open chest and broken limbs represents me. That’s indeed true. I hate my body and my face, and compared to other girls or women I feel very ugly. Lately I gained a lot of weight and I seriously see myself as a shapeless potato not worth even being looked at. And I also think it is one of the main problems why the men I fall in love with are only able to not mind me, but not love me back. The other reason is the power of my emotions, which often, and understandably, scares people away. And now the self-pitying comes. In the painting, I am a broken abomination not worth anyone’s love, pregnant with pain. There are many other entities around, all “normal”, not stained with blood. Some have holes in them, but they are still living their ordinary lives. And far above, there is my dream, the love of my life, embracing (or maybe even having sex with) a beautiful, skinny lady, which I will never be. Love is the only thing I truly long for, and that’s why the tears of blood exit my eyes.
Behind the main scene, you
can see some structures, which many were unable to identify. They are execution
wheels [1], where the victims’ joints are dislocated. Then, these poor
creatures are exhibited in all their suffering, left only with the blood birds
to feed on their flesh. The metaphorical me was on one of those wheels too, but unfortunately I
survived the procedure. If I didn’t, I would turn into one of the ravens who
peck at the other broken souls. In the real world, they represent those who
successfully managed to commit suicide. I tried, but as you can see, I am still
here, full of hatred towards myself and I am afraid that towards the entire
world, too. At least I can express it with my art.
If you ask about the process of painting itself, I used
acrylic paint and it took me around 30 hours. Of course I wasn’t painting it
all at once, rather in several sessions. I prefer to paint at night because no one disturbs me, and when I paint, I listen to music or audiobooks. This
painting was accompanied by the book Wild Swans by Jung Chang [2], but I am not
sure if there is any visible influence.
I also write poetry, so as a bonus, here you have my
feelings, exactly the same as I painted in The Price of Joy, only expressed in the
form of one of my Hellscapes.
Stars radiating blackness
Devastate the relieving
Embrace of unconsciousness
My thumping heart suffocates
Held tight in my rotting corpse
In spasms it liberates
Caustic tears and bitterness
When the putrid claws of hope
Leave their mutilating stain
In my naked bloodstained flesh
And I scream the words of love
To the blind deafness of hell
As the silence from above
Leaves me in fire to thresh
I shall always be a slave
Left to your mercy alone
For your desire I crave
And my dignity disown
With the pith of lust I plead
For the virtues of my soul
While your carnal tensions lead
The market with human skin
For the tyrant of your dreams
And yet my prayers amass
With my mind I am at strife
Oh my sacred agony
Penetrate the limbo gates
End the untold irony
Cut the tightrope of my life
[1] A Wiki page about the execution wheels, which also includes good depictions of them: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Breaking_wheel
[2] A Wiki page about the book Wild Swans: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wild_Swans; and the book's rating on Goodreads: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/1848.Wild_Swans
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