Let's start off with a common story, in which even you might recognize yourself. Once upon a time, she loved him and believed he liked her very much. For years, they had a beautiful, dream-like relationship, until something happened. He never explained and she never understood, but in a short moment, all the joy turned into an ocean of woe, in which she is now drowning. So what should she do now? Indeed, she should forget about him and go on, there are so many other men, right? But often it is not that simple. Even if he left her when she needed him the most, she still loves him and can't forget. She keeps browsing through his social media profiles, shedding tears over the seemingly happy life he is leading without her. It brings her a lot of pain but she can't stop herself from opening up her wounds, over and over again. And all that is because she suffers from a personality disorder.
In my case, relationships with men tend to hurt the most. Before I started my therapy, I had been completely unable to control my emotions, I had often been screaming at my partners even in public, although I had not been able to leave them. Fortunately, after several complete disasters, I realized I had a problem. I started to work on it with a therapist and I was trying hard, when it finally happened - I met an amazing man and I was able to have a healthy relationship, in which we respected each other. There were almost no fights, we were supporting each other at everything we were doing and most aspects of our partnership were close to perfect. I was able to maintain my hobbies and I was doing my best to give him enough room for his ones. But then, due to various outer influences, my health started to deteriorate and I developed a depression. At that time, I needed much of his care and attention, but the more I needed him, the faster he was slipping away, till he finally left me.
I somewhat understand why he did so, it is extremely difficult to deal with a depressed person, especially in a romantic relationship. My mind turned into a black hole, anything nice immediately stopped existing and only the stress and fear stayed and grew. If you know Tolkien, I was like Ungoliant the Spider [1]. The more light she absorbed, the darker she got and the further her inner emptiness expanded. A creature like that feels incredible suffering when she fears that there will be no more light or when its source is out of her reach. So I was flooding him with tears, I was desperate and trembling he'd leave me because I was feeling worse and worse. Therefore, a vicious cycle was started, leading him to start ignoring me and me to my almost successful suicidal attempt.
I am still dreaming about bringing back the past. Often I feel the urge to kneel in front of his door and beg him for any kind of attention, but fortunately my reasoning is strong enough to understand this wouldn't impress him. So I am living off the memories, just like a moth would circle around a fire even though it burns. I can't let go even when I am suffering frequent breakdowns; I often feel the physical pain I have described in my previous note [2]. My life stopped making sense, I don't even know what I want, where I want to live or what I want to do in near future. I don't know how to get out of this river, whose stream is only carrying me to feel progressively worse.
Let me illustrate my thoughts by an excerpt from my diary, which I write in the form of unsent messages to anyone I feel like.
2020-01-25, afternoon:
"... I don't think I will ever live through anything more beautiful than I already have. I must live off memories. Yes, they are hurting me, I am hurting myself by letting them develop in my head. They are so bitter even though they used to be sweet. And I drink them as an alcohol addict would drink a bitter spirit, bottom up and then another bottle, and another, and another. It's hurting the addict but they need it, similarly as I need those memories. There will be nothing so beautiful ever in my life again so why wouldn't I drink from this endless stream of bitterness because in each hectoliter, there is a sweet drop. And I want this little soothing drop that comes from the memories of you. I know you don't care about me anymore and you shouldn't. But no one can take back the time you have given me in the past. And till the day I die, I have to live from it. Therefore, thank you for every day, for every second you once spent with me. …"
The reason for everything I keep doing to myself and the major issue in my case is my inability to handle loss. It has been almost a year but there is not a day when I am not thinking about my former partner. However, my therapist told me that a mere year is nothing, that with my diagnosis it takes on average seven to ten years to recover from such trauma, especially when my mental connection to him was so strong. Therefore, not only I am not able to give anyone else a chance, but I am generally struggling to step out of the past. I feel I have already exhausted the portion of happiness in my life, which is not worth living anymore. I am tired of my constant pain but I only see one escape, which I, however, should not use. Rationally I wish to cut the ropes that keep tying me to him, but I am too weak to do so independently. I don't fear to admit that I need professional help, and far more intense than my current therapist can provide me with. Therefore I decided to apply for a half year long day care program specific for people with my diagnosis.
If you feel the same as I do, don't be afraid to seek out for professionals. They may indeed help you, they can teach you ways to make yourself feel better. I am not saying that through them I will be able to find the lost meaning of my life, neither that this will never happen to me again or that I will not mourn the loss of my loved one till the end of my days. However, anything that could help me reduce the stress and suffering is worth a try.
Here you can read more about Ungoliant the Spider:
[1] http://tolkiengateway.net/wiki/Ungoliant
And this is the blog article in which I have been dealing with some aspects of my emotions:
[2] https://syndrome-morgause.blogspot.com/2020/08/behind-warped-mirror.html
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